I need to write

I miss pretending to be a writer.
I like to think and I like to talk, and so naturally I also like to write.

Anyway, this is just a warning post before I post other writings that have been sitting in the "drafts" section for far too long, but I've been slow to post them simply because I haven't posted anything for so long.

I guess my posts need to be heralded first before I can share them.


*Fanfare*

Anxiety as illustrated by me

This little purple chihuahua represents my anxiety in a physical form.

I decided an adorable little chihuahua would make people feel less anxious about the fact that I have a bit of an anxiety problem.

See most of the time this little chihuahua is pretty good.
He does have this thing where he trembles all the time,
but at least he does what I tell him to.
He sits.
He stays.
He plays dead.

I feel like I'm in control.

...Most of the time.
But sometimes, this happens:




Sometimes there's a reason for the sudden fear,
like it's the first day of school,
or there's a job interview,
but sometimes there just isn't any reason at all.

You know how some dogs just bark at nothing? This dog is that dog.

The problem is that this thing lives in my heart. Or right next to it. Or something.

So whenever he gets nervous it makes my heart beat faster for no reason.

Here let me draw a more scientific version so you believe me:

 Yeah there's just no way you won't believe me now. That looks too realistic.

 Anyway so I've got this little thing in my heart, and it makes me freak out sometimes.
So usually my first response is:
I really need to calm down (duh)

The first thing I try doing is to reason with my anxiety.
Have you ever tried to reason with a chihuahua?
Probably not.
Well,
You can tell him that there's no reason to be afraid.

You can give him hard evidence of the fact that there is really nothing to fear.

You can tell him that it's all in his head.

But he'll be afraid just the same.


Here. I'll show you how difficult it is to reason with anxiety and/or a chihuahua.

This is the smartest chihuahua in the world:

And yet he still has very limited reasoning skills

So that's kind of what trying to reason yourself out of anxiety is like.
Nearly impossible.

When I see he isn't responding to my attempts to make him see reason, I get frustrated. Here I am trying to help and he's just getting more and more scared.

But it only makes it worse if I get mad at the poor thing.
So I try other things. Like distractions.

Listening to music...
Watching a movie...
Exercise...
Writing in my journal...
Reading...
Cleaning...
They all help, but they never quite solve the problem.

So I think maybe it's my diet. Maybe I just eat crappy foods.
And sometimes food is the answer.

But it doesn't always work.

I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but being scared for too long affects his stomach and makes him not want to eat anything. Which is unfortunate. Since the taco might really help.

However, do not force feed your chihuahua.
This will only create an unnecessary fear of tacos, along with some more trust issues.
They're very sensitive.


Poor thing.

I wish I could just buy a little sweater for him.

I love sweaters. I have way too many sweaters. But they're so comfortable.

See? Simple as that. I just need to buy him sweaters and make him feel loved.

 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

I used to think this scripture was scolding me for not having enough faith in Christ or love for the gospel or something. I interpreted it as: 

"You are afraid because you don't have enough love in you to cast it out. 

Shame on you. 

If you were perfect maybe you'd have enough love to cast out that fear and despair, but you'll never be perfect."

Well that's a pretty hopeless interpretation, so that can't be right.

I was reading it too selfishly. I thought it was all about me.

I read it a better way now, and think of it as:

"Right now you're afraid, so you know what that's like. The next time you're feeling up to it, go make a friend. They may be afraid too. Talk to them. Get to know them. Buy them a sweater. Show them genuine love, and you give them the power to cast out their fear. And then your fears won't seem to matter as much anymore."

Anyway. Don't freak out because I have anxiety. It's just the trial I was born with.

Instead, try buying me more sweaters.

Also I'm prettier than this in real life I swear. I just can't draw sometimes. 

something you've heard a thousand times

You know those people on street corners that get paid to dance around with pizza signs in the hot sun? Isn't that the saddest job? Like it's 90 degrees outside and people have to sit and wait at this stoplight and stare at you and you know some of them are thinking, "look at that person dancing around. They need to get a real job. Plus they can't even dance" (well they'd say that if it were me)

So there's a street corner here that I drive past every day. I've seen numerous different people with the same pizza sign and they all have the same look on their faces.





And of course I would make that face too if I had that job





But today as I drove past, I saw this lady. She was probably in her mid 30s and I don't know how she got this job but when I looked at her face it made my day because she looked like this:



And it wasn't a fake smile like this




Or this




or even this


















No it was a real, genuine smile.












So basically a smile goes a long way. I mean I dedicated a whole blog post to less than 3 seconds of my day just because the dancing pizza lady smiled. And if she can smile, heck so can I.

And I know you've heard a thousand times, but just, smile.

okay actually that looks creepy.

That's better.

read it. read it now.

I'm procrastinating some writing homework right now.

I've already procrastinated plenty so far. 

So much so that my room is now spotless and I took out the trash and even cleaned the toilet. 

I wish I'd thought to blog before that.

Anyway.

I got the scanner working (yay!)

And I drew this during class, scanned it, and colored it in photoshop really fast (yay!)

So it's starting. Slowly. But surely. I will have a cool blog soon.

But you should know that I am a very skilled procrastinator. I hate this about myself but I've become very good at completing things at the last minute.
I'm getting better though.

Here. I'll give you a list of things that help me not to procrastinate. It might help you.



LIST OF THINGS THAT HELP ME NOT PROCRASTINATE

1. I tell myself that an assignment is due maybe 24 hours before it actually is. I didn't always believe myself at first, but those 24 hours of anxiousness eventually led me to learn that sometimes it's just better to get it over with.

2. I get on the internet.

Actually wait.
Don't do that.

3. I make a list of things I need to get done. This is meant to help motivate me.
But most of the time I just want to make a pretty list.

4. I eat. This helps fuel my brain/wastes some more time.

5. I take a nap. This helps my brain recharge.

6. I blog. This gets me thinking and warms up my brain.

7. I eat some more.

8. I draw little pictures on notebook paper.

9. I get on the internet to look up what my assignments really are.

10. Internet.

11. I think I forgot what this list is about.

12. Buy milk and eggs.

...

Why am I trying to blog right now

I've been awake for 40 hours at this point and my brain is telling me this is the most optimum time to blog,
which really doesn't make sense since I have been barely functioning since ummmmmmm noon
and this brain was not very helpful when I needed it to finish my chemistry homework that would have been incredibly easy if not for this lack of sleep (It took twice as long and I did twice as bad)
and I've been saying stupid things all day since the filter from my brain to my mouth is temporarily unavailable
and this brain could barely even help me calculate exactly how many hours I've been awake so I just rounded it to 40.

But still it insists that instead of sleeping I write.

I think I have a very curious brain.
It wants to know what I can accomplish without its help.

Or maybe it thinks this would make a funny blogpost
(this is disappointingly not funny)

Or maybe it thinks that because I haven't written anything for a few days and I have a lot on my mind that writing would help that.

Or maybe it just knows that writing makes me sleepy.

Or maybe everything makes me sleepy at this point.
You could put me on a roller coaster right now and I'd probably fall asleep.

That's a lie because I'm not even on a roller coaster right now and I'm still awake.

So I worked 14 hours straight last night, which I highly recommend if you're poor and go to school but which I do not recommend you to attempt this more than once a month... or maybe a year... or your life. It's too much work. By 8 in the morning you will be looking jealously around you at all the people who got sleep the night before while nodding off if you hold still for more than ten seconds.

The reason I worked so much last night was because I have two jobs and one of them was an overnighter and then I had training to complete after I was done with work at 5:30am.

I am so tired.

I thought this blog post would be more awesome than it is because I thought maybe it would be different from my normal writing, and it is.
It's different.
It's worse.
I've never tried to write anything with so little brain capacity but now I'm starting to realize why.
Also why do I keep trying to correct the typing errors I'm making. I should just let that happen.
But apparently I'm still a perfectionist even now.

Okay sleep is sounding more interesting than this blog post now so goodnight.

I promise I can actually draw

So far the drawings I've posted are just doodles from paint.

I promise I can actually draw.
I mean I claim to be an artist in my bio so I should maybe prove it.

Well, you can check out my instagram that I started about two years ago if you like: @abbyruokart

And if I actually spend time on paint I can create cool pixel art like this:

I know there are way better digital art programs to use like Adobe Illustrator or Photoshop, or even free ones like Gimp or other things. My excuse for using paint so much is because I love making complex art out of a simple tool. For example, I bet you didn't think a simple cheap bic pen could create this:


Part of my high school senior project

But honestly I want to start using more professional art programs. However, in order to teach myself, I need free time, which at the moment I simply do not have a whole lot of...

I do have a lot of ramen though. If you ever need any I will give you some.
I'll trade you all the ramen I have for some more free time to draw.
That's how dedicated I am to this blog.

So until I finish college you guys might just have to put up with some shoddy artwork.
Actually. I'll probably still be busy after college. And I'll probably be busy all my life. Maybe when I'm 80 you guys will see some very high quality artwork from me, but until that time you're just going to have to deal with my imperfections.

Below I've included some artwork that may or may not convince you I can draw. Either way. Enjoy.

First days of school

I'm waiting for a working scanner... so no pictures yet.
Also school is taking up a lot of time.
But I wanted to post today anyway, even without pictures.

So I discovered something during class:
I have an influence on the people around me.

It was seven minutes before class was out, and I had to walk to the other side of campus in ten minutes.
And I really did not want to be late on the first day (this was like two days ago.)

Now, I find it incredibly annoying and disrespectful when a class starts putting their notebooks away and zipping up their backpacks to go before it's even time yet. If I was a teacher and I had a prepared a lesson only to have people start packing up their stuff as soon as they got the chance I'd be kind of offended. Like here I am talking and these people don't even want to be here.

Nevertheless,
I thought I was an exception.
I was getting more anxious with every minute. I didn't want to be late to my next class.
I was on the very edge of the row. Nobody would notice if I got a headstart and put my laptop away.

Or... so I thought. No sooner had I reached for my bag when I noticed someone look over at me, check his phone for the time, and then proceed to start packing up his stuff as well.
Then other people saw him, and suddenly there was a steady flood of sounds.
The sound of zippers zipping
and laptops shutting
and papers rustling
and pencils clicking
and students talking
and children crying
and people screaming
and the voice in my head saying:

This is your fault. You did this.



So I've learned three things in school so far:

1. I'm a terrible person for doing that
2.  Don't pack up your stuff until class is over
3. You have a greater influence than you think


Also, I lied. There is a picture in this post.

It's a purple chihuahua with a sweater and a friendly reminder.